Since no one reads this, I'm going to go back to spilling every insignificant detail of my life to this journal, because I don't want to spill to tumblr.

I can't believe I finished a year of college & I am about to start my second one. I can't breath every time I think of going back. Raymond & Sam will go back too & I will just go back to being a complete recluse. 

Because I am so nervous about going back, I am currently occupying my free time by reading the Order of the Phoenix & various Twilight books. Do you know how pathetic that makes me feel? Just typing that I am reading that embarrasses me, but it calms me down so I try not to feel bad about. My obsession with rereading things always worries me. I never like to move forward, at least, not noticeably. I am always wary of new movies, new books, & new music. That must be why I get so pissed when John tries to get me to listen to his music. 

So a lot of things have bothering me lately & I should probably go back to counseling, but I just don't want to. Reading my old entries in here makes me miss even more the times in this house where my dad would have been downstairs at this hour making tons of noise. I probably would have been down there with him to tell the truth. I hate to admit it, but my mom could never fill in the role my dad played in my life. He really was my best friend. I even knew it was I was 16 & completely angst-y. I am still pretty similar to my angst-y 16-year-old self. During this year, I didn't really socialize that much & spent a lot of time doing/reading weird things on the internet. Oh internet (mostly tumblr), what would I do without you?

Sometimes I fear I have a problem keeping girlfriends. Taylor & I barely talk. Kati left me ages ago. Hannah is moving away. I have Sam when she's home, but when she's not I wonder if she really needs me like I need her. My only really good friend I met at CofC this year was a guy that I originally thought was gay. & I am in no way ashamed to say he is one of the best friends I have ever had. 

Sometimes, I feel like I'll never get married or proposed to. For awhile back in March & April, I was obsessively watching chick flicks & getting really caught up in them. Even shit like Twilight. It's cheesy & badly written, but the idea of them being that committed & sure of being ridiculously, nauseatingly in love is kind of nice. My favorite is When Harry Met Sally. I cry when he makes the speech to her on New Year's. I don't ever foresee anyone feeling that passionately about me. I really doubt that Raymond would ever ask me to marry him. I love the idea of novel/movie romance, but I just don't believe it exists. 

Still after all these years, I love absolutely everything about Harry Potter. When I get really upset about everything, Raymond always tells me that at least I'll always have myself. Fuck that. I don't even like myself that much. I'll always have Harry Potter though. No one can take that away from me. I actually do get comfort from that. 

I think about death a lot. I'm not suicidal; I would never do that to my family. Sometimes I do think it would be easier without me. I just wonder what it would be like if I died. What would my nieces remember about me? What would people say about me? Would they say they were surprised or they thought I would or they will miss me or what? I wonder so much what people think of me. It makes me anxious. I think a lot of people don't really like me but tolerant me. I also think they know how obsessive I get about things. I don't want them to know that. 

People always say when you're unhappy with the present just think of how different things will be in twenty years. I don't see things being better for me in twenty years. I mean, right now I am almost twenty, living at home, in a long distance relationship, working a minimum wage job (that I love), going to school for nothing in particular, not really making any friends in college, & not really coming up with a direction for my life. This is what I know: if I wasn't so afraid of taking care of myself, I would love to live alone. I like being alone being then I feel like I am not being judged, like I just don't have to care what I do. I want to live alone with a corgi named Cecil & lawn flamingos & bright colored curtains & posters for Harry Potter & my inflatable mattress. If I'm alone, people can't get sick of me & move on. I guess in that sense, I do just have myself. It's just a matter of whether I will ever truly be happy with that.